Its so lovely to read blogs who have frequent visitors - comments of hillarious-ness or of support, and although having visitors is nice, I had to determine if it really mattered if people write or not? I think for a long time, it mattered to me. I am an energised soul; I get energised from many interactions - mostly with friends: old friends, new friends, fellowship time with a bunch of random people. I get energised by inspirational people in art groups, music groups, and novelists. It took me a long time to discern that what my mind was hoping this blog would become was: famous. An unrealistic vision.
And if I really think about it, I am actually not as good at writing on other peoples blogs when they post as some often are to me. Looks like I had a bit of "big fish in a little pond" moment - and wanted to be in the spotlight without the need to put effort in for others. How rude of me.
What I actually want this blog to really be is a snippet of journey of life with me. A real life of ups and downs. And if people I know [or even some people I don't know] want to read along, then this makes this journey just that bit more special.
So when I realised that, I stepped away. I need to work through the things that were frustrating me and occupying my mind, and there have been SO many. I didn't want this to become my 'other facebook' where I could fill a space with random statements and with un-meaningful words. I didn't want this to be a place I would come to whinge and talk about only the interesting things that happen in my life, and only when they happened.
So when I stepped away, I turned passive attention to God into a priority to get right in my life. I turned reading the Word of God primarily on Sunday's and at bible study [yep, unfortunately its true] into purposeful searching and directed attention to seek the guidance I need from the Bible. I turned a weakening faith into a growing seed again. I turned all my thoughts, concerns, prayers and cares unto the Lord, trusting in Him and in His good timing and planning, and I stopped being bothered by the things that shouldn't be my focal points of thinking. I turned my lack of accountability with anyone into having accountability to God.
Many of my long term friendships have changed as their lives have filled with blessings of marriage and/or children, which I recognised actually challenged me to tears too often. But God has shown me that though they are different and no longer as full of fellowship as they used to be, they are still there and to not lose heart. God has also blessed me with new friends who have [as a whole] more in common with me, which has allowed us to fellowship often together to support and encourage one another. This has been one of the greatest gifts I have felt I had this year.
I also had to recognise that I am busy right now in this stage of life. I have just weeks to go before my schooling is finished [and I'll be waiting my parchment for my Diploma in Enrolled Nursing from mid October], I still have two placements to go [both in a Surgical/Medical/Orthopaedic/Plastics and Breast Surgery ward], I have assignments to do and I have those I have yet to be given to do. And I had to recognise that because when I hit a brick wall of ultimate frustration in June, [kindly brought on by two evil wisdom teeth which required urgent surgical removal], I had a chance to really think about why I was frustrated, I put action into place, and I began the process to no longer feeling overwhelmed with EVERYTHING [not dramatising the feelings at the time], prioritised what was important and needing my attention and focus, and what could be amended or put on hold to allow me to fit what I needed in.
One song that is capturing my heart right now that I heard awesomely played last weekend by Stuart Townsend [et al] called "O Church Arise" and the opening verse is powerful:
O church, arise and put your armor on;
Hear the call of Christ our captain;
For now the weak can say that they are strong
In the strength that God has given.
With shield of faith and belt of truth
We’ll stand against the devil’s lies;
An army bold whose battle cry is “Love!”
Reaching out to those in darkness.
Go and be energised by Christ. Life is different when you do!
