I am feeling many things. Lost. Confused. Unsure. Delayed. Put aside. Tired. Behind-the-times. Solitude. Seperation. Pain. That something is missing... and at the same time I feel other things. Joy. Excitement. Expectation. Variety. A new journey. Eagerness. Trust. Unknowing. Adventure.

I am not sure where I am at right at this moment. I feel a big gap inside from saying goodbye so many times. It's not like it usually is. Saying goodbye onboard usually follows with many hello's. But not this time. Not now. People are leaving and that is it. We are just getting smaller and smaller. My close friends have either left or are about to - which also means that I will make more close friends. But you know what I mean, right? Bonds that have been made are now stretched. I miss many people, and probably because I've been mostly drugged out the past week, for many of them, reality that they left haven't sunk in yet. When my closest pal, Rachel, left, that was like the breaking point. I was sore. Tired. On some seriously strong pain killers. And I was hurt. No one else can fill in the gap that Rachel filled. Just as the same that Rachel couldn't fill the gap that Alex filled. Or Mozza filled. Or anyone else from home that I so dearly miss.

One of the biggest things I've learnt on the ship is not to expect anything. From any situation or anyone. People who you think will keep in contact, don't. And people you expect to hear from, you wont. But, that's not all bad. We are all living our lives, and we all get caught up in our own situations. Just as the same as not to expect things to happen wherever you go. If I'm organising a program for a bunch of kids, not to expect as many to turn us as we're told. Expect nothing, and you will be surprised. If you expect 100 kids, you'll either get 12, or you'll get 300. And you just have to accomodate for that. It's just life.

Christmas last year [being, the Christmas of 2009] was probably the strangest Christmas I think I've ever had. The day was jam packed with things to do with the ships community. I didn't feel particularly festive because I was mentally preparing to be parted with two of my blessedly cursed wisdom teeth, people were leaving and... my mum and I had a conversation Christmas Eve which hurt... alot. But, I am a Bradford, so I am strong and things will be okay. Of course.

I do not like saying all of these goodbyes.

And now it is 2010. Crap! That is the strangest thing. I'll be 25 this year. Whoa-mama. That isn't old at all, but its an achievement. If i think about the ages I wanted to do things at - well, I have by far passed them. And when I think of how old my Mum was when certain milestones were had by her, I've passed them too, which sets into my mind that I'm behind the times, though I am not really.

*kicks herself out of the gloom & doom pocket*

I think I am just faffy today. Or lazy, but faffy sounds better. It's a Sunday. I don't have to work today, but I do have to work tomorrow when most everyone else is off. Tuesday - Friday I have to do a Leadership Training Course [okay, I don't really have to do it, I chose to] which will take up my time, and then the week after I am on Firerounds 11pm-7am. Don't call me that week unless you want to - which, I'm sure you'll love talking to a sleepy Carola :).

Hey so I'm stuck for amazing writing today, so I'm gonna get a smoothie or Bubble Tea [because I'm an addict] and then walk on back to the ship. I hope you are all having the most loveliest New Years Days... you know, its all new until its next year, then its old. Stay classy, San Diego...