I say to you, "Climb that MOUNTAIN!

In whatever way that I fail in my consistency of writing, I sometimes wonder if I try to make up for in in length and depth. I wonder... are the conversations that I speak in my head before I write with my fingers clearer to me and make sense to no one else. Am I really more like my mother than I would like to admit? Do I talk so much that other people feel exhausted? I know that I have known many people who have made me feel that way, and sadly, I really hope I am not one of those people for others.

Rebellion. Its a word that emits a version of strength from it. Its a word that makes people in their comfort zones feel nauteous because in order to break out of their zone of comfort, they would need to be rebellious. Its a word that feels like it has power behind it. Its... a word. I feel like I'm in a rebellion. I feel like all I want to do is rebel against the old me. I don't want to be the old me. I want to be me now... me 2010... me today. I want to be the changed person I became when I experienced the great many things of the world that I saw and was challenged by while I was abroad for the 15-ish months I was away.

I feel like I have SO much time to be me, that I want to be anything but me at the same time. I felt like nothing when I had come back. I came from this 'house' of 300+ housemates, from noise and bustle and sound and lacking in so much personal time and space... to a house with no noise except for when I create it or cause it, no one else except for the cat, no bustle except for my own messiness, TOO much personal time and TOO much space. I felt so lost and lonely. I feel outside of my area. I feel well out of my comfort zone.

I feel like God has me in a hallway between 'there' and 'here' and there's no light in this hallway. In a sense, you are 'blind' in this hallway. The only thing you can do is to trust that God will guide you around the obstacles that you cannot see coming - but He can. Its like, a child outside of the family home. The child feels safer holding their Mum or Dad's hand. The child knows that the parents are in control and that they will help them along the way until they get back into the home where they know [most of the time] what is good and what is bad. I feel like I am just walking along holding God's hand. I feel like I'm not meant to know the next steps because He knows. Of course, I should be living this way normally anyway, but absurdly due to no employment and plenty of time on my hands to do - anything, nothing - I am much more aware of the situation now.

God has a way of getting us through this 'hallway'. Sometimes its the choice to leave an employment or not. Do you leave after you have found a new job, because its easier and you still get paid. Do you leave before you get a new job knowing that its better this way and knowing that you will have no income to be supported by. How do we know when we should stop driving and let God drive instead? How do we know that we aren't already letting God drive? When did we suddenly start 'driving' our lives and - are we on the Godly Freeway of Life or are we driving on the backroads because we think we know what's best?

Gosh. Too much time to think!

I have come to believe that the ship stopped sailing for more than just the fact that its an old ship. I believe that we were a 'Missionary Bomb' - exploding into the world, sending people who are from all 'corners' of the earth out into all 'corners' of the earth. I feel like I am back here in Adelaide to be more than an unemployed bum. I feel like I'm meant to climb the mountain - literally. God has me on a 'hiking' addiction and all I want to do is 'conquer' the mountain. Alas - we don't have mountains only steep hills but - the point is the same. If i can conquer the steepest of slopes, and I know I can do it because God has givin me the strength. At the same time, God has me with so much spare time to look after those around me. Whether its a woman with a broken ankle or best friends who are about to have a baby, I seem to be already available to them for such a time as this.

Well - I hope that for you - this was insightful. I hope that for you, this was an update worth waiting for. I hope that for you, God gives you the strength to conquer whatever mountain God has before you. Infact, I don't hope for it... I know he has given you the right strength for the right path up the right mountain.

Life isn't meant to be an easy walk. Its meant to be uneven, with lots of twists and turns and many steep slopes to climb. God knows what you can handle. If you are facing a huge mountain, and you believe God has you there for such a time as this, then God will also get you through it. God is carrying you - you just have to believe that.